Designer Vagina

by Melissa Main

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An ode to the diversity of the lovely lady lips.


I’m saving up for a designer vagina
Model 3000 with a bell and a zip
I’m saving up for a designer vagina
Gonna finally be one of the cool kids

Do you love your labia ladies?
Do you love your labia?
Do you love your labia ladies?
They say that it’s true
That every girl could do
With a tidy and a trim
On what the cat dragged in

I’m gonna get me a designer vagina
Ken and Barbie will start returning my calls
I hope they set me up with a real man
With sprayed on jocks and no actual balls

All I’ve got to do is make the appointment
I’ll have to book early to avoid disappointment
I’m really not nervous not even a bit-orus
Was I supposed to put in writing that I'd like to keep my clitoris?

Do you love your labia ladies?
Do you love your labia?
Do you love your labia ladies?
Everybody’s doin it
Don’t want to be different
Labelled as the lopsided, long lipped, labyrinthed freak show that
You are?

I’ve got my legs up in the stainless stirrups
And sir doctor man has got a blue texta in his hands
It’s like he’s a seamstress, lining up the darts
With correction marks along my private parts

I’m telling you I’m legs up getting all ready
When he widens his eyes and holds himself steady
Cos a voice appears with wisdom and grace
Although not a word is uttered from the lips on my face…

It is my labia. Singing.

Don’t cut off your lips to spite your face!
love can languish long in lazy symphony
In the soft, warm, passionate embrace
In diversity of colour length and symmetry (asymmetric is the new black, baby)

You got to love your labia ladies
You got to love your labia
You got to love your labia ladies
The petals of a flower should never be trimmed
Long or short or odd or fat or thin
Or even plain old weird-looking


released April 25, 2013



all rights reserved


The Melissa Main Band Melbourne, Australia

The Melissa Main Band makes eclectic cabaret folk music with punchy lyrics and catchy tunes.

An award-winning songwriter and engaging performer, Main sings honey-sweetness and dark chocolate growl on a rolling landscape of solid grooves and infectious melody created by her band.
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